The Oracle Speaketh
I woke up this morning to one out of two of my favourite morning routines – Bro Benny’s devil may care taunting of his wife (there is a Cantonese saying about catching a worm and inserting it into some crevice) OR a gem about some food place I have not tried.
I enjoy the first tremendously and I always have a good laugh. But it doesn’t impress me too much because I have taken it one step further than sleeping on the balcony occasionally – for me it’s a permanent sleeping arrangement.
And I don’t wish it on anyone.
So bro I suggest you better buy a stash of roses and rings as well. Make fun then kneel and present roses and if it doesn’t work, then take out rings .
But his wisdom on food I take seriously.
And I woke up to this:
This is weird.
I was told about this place a couple of years ago and I forgot all about it. Then my friend Kuan mentioned it yesterday morning and this morning Bro Benny sent this teaser about this mee pok🤫🤔🤭!
You know what happens if God wants you to try this meepok and tell you not once, not twice but three times and you ignore ?
He will send you a thousand African lice to infest your armpits and genitals over the weekend.
So I set off dutifully at 715am this morning to Crawford like Abraham departing for Mount Sinai.
And why do people always confuse Bak Chor Mee and Teochew Fish Ball Mee ?
This is one of my pet peeves. The two are completely different dishes !!
One is full of vinegar and was discovered one day when Ah Lam left the dish out overnight and it turned sour. But he sold it nevertheless and thereafter pretended it was a carefully thought out delicacy by adding vinegar.
The other is sold by the metrosexual teochews who won’t put something as crude as vinegar in their food. The only time they would add vinegar in their food is when their wives are heavily pregnant and aggressive. Vinegar is said to dull their senses and act as a downer.
To the Teochews, everything is about balance, being delicate, being handsome, harmony in the Yin Yang, so that they don’t have to slap you when you order Bak Chor Mee, but can take your orders for Teochew Fish Ball Mee in a pleasant sing song voice.
So to compare Teochew Fish Ball Mee to Bak Chor Mee earnestly and in a learned way is well, just downright stupid, and worthy of virulent and rampant African genital lice infestation.
The climb to Mount Sinai
God instructed me over a flaming stove flame (I was preparing coffee at that time) to present myself at 759am. He said that the Internet that says they only open at 8am is pure trickery and for the unbelievers.
He also said something about an early bird and worm etc blah blah blah but I had already rushed off to obey his orders without question.
And so I arrived at 7.59 sharp.
To those of you who are familiar with the location of the Michelin Star Bak Chor Mee Coffeeshop called Tai Wah, you pass the Coffeeshop on your right, proceed straight and then turn left to the carparks. You are now at the back of block 462 which houses a big Coffeeshop called “Wiseng Food Place “.
2nd stall from the left is a stall with no name but simply “Teochew Fish Ball Noodle”.
The name is thoughtfully to correct the Fucktards who says it is the “other Crawford Lane crude vinegar Bak Chor Mee”
My spirits were lifted when I saw the old couple manning the stall. Aunty who took the orders is a sweet old lady who was polite and thoughtful and spoke to everyone patiently and nicely despite the growing queue.
Why do many hawkers become imperious and rude when they become wildly successful? Why can’t you all be like Aunty ?
Granted they are the only people other than God I take shit from.
My ex many years ago wanted me to explain why I am volatile and extremely alpha and aggressive to everyone except to Hawkers with good food, wherein I become as meek as a pregnant Albino Tunisian rabbit.
My answer was “it is like that one “.
The other thing that made me happy is that Uncle, hearing that I was coming, went back to change into the S$3.50 Good Morning T Shirt to provide authenticity.
Man, that just warms the cockles of my heart ( if the cockles flutter too much a by-pass may be necessary) and made the whole experience special.
It was visually pleasing.
It looked and smelt like metrosexual Teochew, and could not in this life or the afterlife be mistaken for the Crude Bak Chor Mee like some Fucktodology experts have proclaimed in an imperious and learned way.
Ok I risk being struck down by God but this bowl did not wow me.
Don’t get me wrong, it is more than decent, and I will happily come and partake when I am in the vicinity.
But will I wake up early and take a drive again as instructed by the Almighty ?
Everything was in sync, everything tasted fine but nothing particularly stood out for me.
Noodle texture was fine – no issues there.
The chilli oil they used was fragrant but lacked any punch in spiciness although I tasted a big dollop of it (see how they have given me extra on the side so thoughtfully).
The fishballs were soft and spongy but lacked any bounce or character.
I was pleased as punch to see my childhood pink fish cakes but they also tasted ordinary.
So it was a more than decent bowl of Teochew Fish Ball Noodle but if you wanted deliverance, I don’t think this will be it.
The Hidden Message
I think God is telling me I am unworthy.
And he is telling me to go to Church.
Or no extra good Teochew Fish Ball Noodles for me.