An intellectual discourse (not)
If you are attracted to the title because you think this is going to be anywhere close to a mature deep conversation about understanding the inherent sociological idiosyncrasies of the opposite sex much like the erudite dissertation in the best selling acclaimed book by John Gray, you are slightly dense, and that would be your first mistake.
Your 2nd mistake would be to sniff derisively but still plough on hoping to catch a few nuggets of cerebral insightful genius in the most complicated area of human behaviour the world has ever known.
Then, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, you are an absolute Moron and I would like to sell you some time shares.
But yes, I am here to talk about men and women.
And how to get along.
Do you have all day ?
If not me then who ?
And who best to give such advice than someone who has failed miserably at marriages and relationships, who can be a bit of a dense machismo pig, talented no doubt but arrogant and dismissive, can be warm and fuzzy like a teddy bear but only the dog gets to see that side of it?
And criminally and insanely good looking?
Yes Brad Pitt but he’s not free so you are left with me.
So pay attention and take copious notes.
If this is well received I might write an actual book, make millions, and retire.
The fallibility of Men
They are never right.
They were right initially.
Then God created woman.
From his rib no less. Hold the BBQ sauce.
And since that time the woman tells the man
“I’ve got a bone to pick with you”.
Why, pray tell, is a man so inferior to a woman ?
It’s a genetic flaw because God had an off day
It’s like this.
Men are like a half developed faulty amoeba, with wheezing asthma and eczema.
They have a Primitive left Brain ruled by only three things – Sex, Food and Survival (that’s why men are always saying “my wife is going to kill me”).
Think of them as half evolved – something is not quite complete or finished.
But they’re lovable nonetheless.
On some days.
Men have the attention span of a baby squirrel
It’s not their fault.
Two reasons are at play here.
Men are primal hunters and even while doing something mundane, their minds are as sharp as knives – sniffing, stalking, circling, searching for prey.
That’s why they can’t remember your birthdays.
The second reason is because they are so emotionally attuned it is unreal, like an electric fence with a thousand volt wiring.
They detect every emotion in women, any change, any tremor is calibrated in their fine minds.
To achieve this highly attuned state of being, they block out any secondary messages and unnecessary distractions and focus on one, and only one emotion and message, at a time.
Wife: Honey do you still love me with my love handles and my stretch marks after the babies came ?
Husband ( sharp and sensing danger) :
Baby I love every bit of you like it was the first time I set eyes on you and time stood still.
I love every handle, every stretch, every ….
( wait did I say ….. scratch? Did I touch up the scratches on my Harley Davidson ? Let’s see I brought her in for servicing last Monday and wanted Harry to look at those scratches. Then he told me the carburetor spring was faulty but the original American parts cost a bomb and he only had stock for China parts but even then it cost $288 not including workmanship. Harry is an arsehole. I’m sure he’s cheating me blind. I never trusted him with that lopsided smile and crossed eyes that never looked at you straight)…
….don’t cheat me you bastard!….
Wife: ……………what ?………………
Men cannot multitask
You’ve heard of the heavily pregnant women folk having the baby in the fields when her water broke while picking turnips and plowing concentric circles in the hay fields to communicate with extra – terrestrials.
Then she has to snip the umbilical cord quickly and get home (cos the water is boiling) for her to cook the soup for dinner.
But man cannot multitask.
Their brains are much smaller.
And there’s a perfectly logical scientific reason for that.
Cos a large part of that brain has been filled with heaving bosoms, leaving very little to function for day to day tasks.
So you never send your man to pick up milk and dry cleaning.
It’s one or the other.
You will unduly stress the man child.
Women and Sex
They can ogle at the opposite sex and talk about them dispassionately like mere sex objects a la sex in the city, but if you did the same, you are a sick sexual deviant, and your kids will be taken away from you.
At the dinner table where two couples are enjoying playful after dinner banter:
“Wife no 1: Omg Chris Hemsworth is so fine I could slather him with sticky syrup and just eat him alive………..
Wife no 2: I hear you Sista and what about Idris Elba ? I like my dark chocolate and I’m going to spray him with whipped cream and lick it from his abs counter clock wise…………… “
Husband No1: “….oh and I like Emilia Clarke. I think she looks cerebral but saucy with that sexy Brit accent………”
Husband No 2: “agree bro and she’s classy too…………..”
Wife No 1: “ You sordid pig !! I’m taking the kids and you will hear from my lawyers in the morning …”
Husband No 1: .…. wait what ?!… Honey ……”
Husband No 2: “…… what just happened ……..? “
Wife no 2 : “ ….. you bastard! Are you also having an affair ??………”
He’s just not that into you
Just your bosom.
Men can’t think with a heaving bosom nearby.
Men can barely function with life and when breasts are involved, they are in great disarray.
God, in his infinite wisdom, gave man only that much blood to either sustain his brain or his nether regions.
He has to choose.
It depends on whether it’s their brain talking to them or Junior talking. More like shouting.
It is a well known fact that ladies with ample heaving bosoms will not be allowed to be anywhere near a blood donation centre.
Male blood donors have been known to completely pass out upon sight and can only be revived three days later.
Women, on the other hand, are deep caring souls. They are attracted to intelligence, wit and humor.
You will hear a women say- “ why did I marry him “ and with that wistful faraway look in her eye “He makes me laugh.”
So she married a Comedian.
If a man wants to laugh, he might do so watching Roseanne Barr or Ellen DeGeneres.
He doesn’t get turned on because she’s funny.
So men, listen to me. Rather than work out that bod, make her laugh.
But none of those knock knock jokes.
Insightful, cerebral and wicked wit.
Women are entitled to be fickle
Wife : So what shall I wear ?
Husband (sensing grave and imminent danger and putting on the bullet proof vest): let me check on the kids.
Wife : your opinion is important. This lovely black and white playful off shoulder or this pink camisole matched with the A line skirt?
Husband (mind whirring frantically cos he is not exactly sure what A line is ): “you’ve always looked lovely in that off shoulder thing.”
Wife: ”Oh right I knew you would pick that because of your obsession with heaving bosoms. So you want me to dress like a slut while having dinner with your parents ?!!”
Husband: ……..”Err……..actually maybe that pink and skirt thing might be better……..
Wife: “ I’m not going to wear that now since you were so reluctant and hate it so much!
Ok what about this white mid knee dress with the sash or this beige ……?
Husband: Yes that’s nice too.
Wife: oh so you like EVERYTHING ??!! Like every tramp with a bosom that comes along ??!!!
You just don’t care anymore do you ??!!
Well do you ??!!!
Are you having an affair ???!!!
Husband: ... please my head hurts and I love you very much …….
Wife: …on second thoughts the black and white off shoulder is elegant and classy and I wore it the first time I met your parents.
Why didnt you say so you moron!
They are fickle and are ENTITLED to be so because they have given you children.
Don’t question it.
Like a wise man once said “ ……….. it’s like that one ………..”
The Bridget Jones Diary
I use this as a metaphor because women have an elephant’s memory when it comes to something you’ve done wrong, almost like she’s keeping a diary meticulously over the years.
Men are happy go lucky creatures much like a cute puppy. They get upset but get over it quickly if you give them a treat. Sex usually works.
But with Women, it’s a process.
It’s a slow burn:
1. First there is that melodrama. When you invoke a woman’s emotion, the gates of hell will open. You poor bastard – you have no idea what is going to hit you.
The legions of demons from the inferno of hell will come marching, wearing horrible kilts and garish make up.
2. There will be yelling, wailing, gnashing of teeth, gut wrenching litany of regrets why she married you (because you made her laugh of course, other than that you are useless).
This will go on for several days and just when you thought the tornado is dying down, she is in her nightgown again with curlers and the wailing will start again.
3. If you think that is bad, you poor ignorant bastard, that is only her letting off some steam on her own.
Next, she will unleash the two hounds of hades – her mother and her BFFs.
They will look at you like you are a rancid corpse and sniff derisively and pass sarcastic remarks like why there are some men in this world who have small wieners and still get women they don’t deserve.
And did we say anything last Thursday when a certain someone was at half mast and was “tofu boy” for a few days ?
Yes you dimwit tofu for Brains (it’s basically tofu here there and everywhere).
What do you think ??
Of Course They Share!!
These remarks and observations will be helpfully passed on to Methodists church groups, mahjong Kakis, Arisan ladies groups, PTA committee members etc.
Remember the scene from the The Exorcism of Emily Rose:
I now command you! Give me your name, demon!
One, two, three, four, five, six!
Ancient serpents, depart from this servant of God! Tell me your six names!
We are the BFFs ! The Sistas !
We are LEGION!!
4. Then comes the Frostiness.
Winter is coming.
You literally have to go round the house wearing jumpers or your ski jacket.
You will be referred to as “your father” in an icy tone when she talks to the kids.
You: Honey shall we bring the kids for a movie today?
Wife: Kids tell your father we can go watch one with many heaving bosoms.
5. And yes you dumb twat, if you even try to rub the outside soles of your feet against her in bed in an attempt to initiate amorous overtures, you will discover that sex has been denied for 7 years, or until hell freezes over.
6. And just when you thought it’s safe cos it’s been 15 years, kids have gone to college and you have spent the best years of your life making up, you will discover that she keeps the Bridget Jones Diaries.
Wife : What ? You want to play Golf today when I promised my girl friend that we will be there for their fourth kid’s church christening?
Why did I ever marry you ? Because you were (notice the past tense) a fucking Comedian ?
And on Wednesday 2005 March the 15th approximately 4.26 pm , at Latitude 1.3521° N, Longitude 103.8198° you had the audacity to ask me ………………………..
There you have it.
Your first step towards becoming a better Comedian is understanding that man is from Mars, and woman is from Venus.
They are worlds apart. Sorry planets apart.
And don’t get too comfortable with Martian life.
You need to cross over to Venus once in a while.