COVID – The Good, The Bat and The Fugly

How it all began

Covid has not been with us for that long, relatively speaking.

But to many of us, it feels like forever.

Covid was first reported on Dec 31, 2019 (think about it – it’s only been 6 months ) when a cluster of severe pneumonia cases in Wuhan, China was reported to the World Health Organization.

Doctors did not know its cause at that time.

WHO chief medical officer Danglemort Olympus Wokalski (“Dougie”) who received the report, gave the report scant attention and was needlessly and nerdlessly dismissive on various fronts and assumptions :

Where is Wuhan?

1. Dougie’s first thought as a concerned, highly experienced professional was that – Wuhan is a silly name.

Yes of course, I know Wuhan — thought Dougie. Isn’t that where the Wu Tang Clan comes from ?

Wu Tang clan, fellow nerds, are an American gangster rap and hip hop band.

Dougie doesn’t go out much.

And it’s unfortunate that the symbol of the Wu Tang Clan is, you guessed it, a Bat.

And in the deepest recesses of his nerd brain, Dougie had a mental picture of Wuhan being in old mountainous countryside with monks and monasteries, with its inhabitants practising Kung Fu amongst swirling clouds.

This was what Dougie envisaged.

And before all of you sniff in derision, be honest.

Everyone heard the reports about Covid starting in Wuhan in alleged unsanitary livestock markets and this was your only image of Wuhan.

In reality, and hold on to your socks and all your dangling appendages (earrings – what were you thinking?) this, my friends, is Wuhan.

Wuhan

Granted, a giant lantern is not everyone’s idea of high end haute couture and cutting edge architecture, but you get my drift.

Wuhan is considered the political, economic, financial, commercial, cultural and educational center of Central China.

It is one of the areas promoting modern industrial changes in China.

Wuhan consists of three national development zones, four scientific and technological development parks, over 350 research institutes, 1,656 high tech enterprises, numerous enterprise incubators and investments from 230 Fortune Global 500 firms.

It produced GDP of US$22.4 billion in 2018.

Dubbed the Chicago of China, it is a bustling metropolis extraordinaire.

The Phoenix Towers in Wuhan, at 1 km tall, will be the highest tower in the world when completed.

In 2017, Wuhan was designated as a Creative City by UNESCO, in the field of design.

Wuhan is also classified as a Beta world city by the Globalization and World Cities Research Network.

Let that sink in the next time you think of Wuhan.

Winter is coming

2. The second thing that Dougie didn’t realise is that Covid 19 was about to change the world and mankind as we know it.

It was going to change the way we live, the way we behave, the way we work, the way we produce babies (some positions do not promote social distancing) and the way we think.

It was going to tank stock markets, change governments, transform politics and prevent fat people from letting it all hang out at our beaches incessantly and indiscriminately, for which we are universally and eternally grateful.

It was going to stifle garrulous and raucous laughter, stop inappropriate touching and all together lead one to a reclusive hermit life style.

Digital communication will become the new norm and dinosaurs like me will have to learn how to Zoom and Team and not to accidentally film myself sitting in the toilet with the camera turned the other way.

It will become a whole new world.

Theories on how Covid started

1. It started because the Chinese drank Bat Soup and Covid came from bats. It’s all that hanging upside down for years and pooping on each other. Most unsanitary.

The Bats, not the Chinese (as far as I am aware).

2. Trump released the virus because he wanted to play tough guy and issue firm executive orders for his people to ingest detergents.

How do you think he turned orange ?

3. Nerds created the virus because they wanted to play Nintendo all day and work from home.

4. Fat executives excreted the virus because they wanted to drink beer, sit in their boxers and have zoom meetings while happily scratching their unmentionables.

4. Housewives welcomed the virus because they needed to mask up to hide their botox injection and double chin removal.

A bit drastic you say ?

Have you met the housewives ?

5. The Japanese, who don’t hug, wanted to stop this hugging rubbish and force everyone to step back and just bow.

So they reverse engineered the virus from SARS.

6. Vegetarians wanted everyone to stop eating meat. Bat is meat. Duh.

So they organically grew the virus.

7. Introverts rule. They quietly introduced the virus to the environment.

People are just stupid and should stay at home.

8. Mothers nurtured the virus so that they get to cook and suffocate their kids again.

Even though the kids are 46 years of age, suffer from gout and diabetes, and have receding hairlines.

Who suffers most during Covid

You think you have it bad because you can’t see your mates ?

Have you spared a thought for these people ?

The Upskirt perverts

Arguably they suffer the most.

The idea of a thrill for upskirters is to film strangers.

Now that they are confined at home, they can only surreptitiously film family members and this reduces the thrill quotient somewhat.

Yes momma I dropped my spoon again. Do you mind picking it up for me again ?

Gamers and their Dads

Gamers have it bad because their father, in a touching moment of father-son bonding , will try to play with them.

Ok dad the game is starting I will explain as we go along.

No I don’t want popcorn. Or chips. Or sticky buffalo wings.

Yes yes it is left X and right Y to shoot.

Why are you jumping Dad ? Veer left ! Veer left !

Why are you shooting me Dad? We’re on the same team !

Shoot the damn zombies !!

How will the new world look like when Covid measures are lifted

Living with the masks

My best guess is that the mask will never be lifted.

But people will adjust.

Some people will find it too difficult to keep taking the mask on and off, and will just cosplay 24/7 or morph into their favourite DC character.

Batman will be hugely popular.

Others will stride around as Darth Vader, breathing heavily in air conditioned systems, as they go round telling everyone that they are their father.

You have to be selective with friends and feelings will be hurt

We will not go back to the time when you can invite as many people as you want for house parties.

You will have to choose only 6 friends to be with you physically. Everyone else will have to call in and multiple screens will have to be put up to provide the party atmosphere.

Everyone will now know that they are no 7- so screw you you fake biatch !

Men will stop wearing Pants

Why would you ever need pants ?

You only need to look smart waist up to speak to your boss because we will all work from home.

CEOs can conduct board meetings while sitting on the throne so to speak.

They will just grimace and strain and everyone will feel involved with his bowel inefficiencies and hoping the earnings before tax will fare better.

Procreation will be difficult

It can’t take too long.

No cuddling or foreplay will be allowed.

Both male and female will do their own thing at different parts of the room and meet in the middle of the room when everyone is ready.

No positions will be allowed where faces are facing each other. Ahem that means only the Grover position will be allowed where there is proper social distancing and there is a natural 1 metre barrier.

Yes females will be allowed to read magazines and men can have a sandwich and play their hand held Nintendo games.

Everyone will become Home Chefs

Dining in options will remain severely limited.

People will start cooking. Or pretend to cook.

So overnight everyone will become a Martha Stewart or a Gordon Ramsay.

Sending home cooked food to each other will show you care and that you show your love through your food.

“Hello Girlfriend mua mua !

Whatcha doing ?

Oh making brownies ? Yes will love to have some.

I just made this lovely slow braised leg of lamb with organic lentils and wild grown rosemary. Yes been cooking it since this morning. Thinking about you dear.

Will deliver it to you ASAP. Love you too Ta ……………”

10 minutes later.

“Hello Grab to Go? Yes can I have the 14.99 economical mutton stew with brown gravy surprise delivered to ………….what ? ………….. yes yes I’ll pay 1.99 for the beautiful box packing ……………..”

Like I said.

A whole new world.

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