Father in law
Ok so I’ve told you about the Mother in Law.
Father in laws are relatively easier to manage than the feared Mother in law.
The starting point is he will have a set of rules while you are dating his daughter.
Just obey them if you want to get on his good side.
RULES OF DATING MY DAUGHTER
You are brave or reckless.
If you want to date my daughter, come by the house and submit 3 colored photographs, full medical history and the requisite testimonials from your church elders. Then leave. There shall be a cooling off period for my daughter to come to her senses.
If she doesnt, the checks will take some time. Relatives will have to be notified and her uncles will have to be sedated before we allow this to happen. The Uncles are agitated and feeling a little violent in recent times.
There is no need to introduce yourself when you see me. Do not make eye contact. I am not interested in what your parents have, with the best of intentions, named you. I shall call you “Punk”, and you will address me only as “My Lord”.
Do not even think of coming into the house. You shall wait for my daughter in the front porch. If you wish , you may talk to my dog but he is discerning and temperamental. He doesn’t like dim people, treat or no treat. Don’t make him roll over, he gets offended easily.
There is no need to fidget. My daughter takes days to get ready and if you get bored, you may wash my car but if I find a scratch, I will scratch you.
When you walk around with my daughter in public places, keep a respectable distance and keep your hands in clear view at all times. Do not make any sudden moves or allow your hands to accidentally brush against my daughter’s hands.
The balding pot bellied men glaring at you from all angles are my friends. The bulge you see is not because they are happy to see you . They have taken to carrying parangs in their old age. She calls them uncles and they have seen her growing up. If you make a wrong move, they will stop you from growing up.
If you prefer to bring her to a dim theatre for a movie on a first date, that is your choice but choose carefully. This will not go down well with me. But if you must, I prefer mindless comedies and am particularly fond of popcorn, salted not sweet. And if you want to whisper sweet nothings to her during the movie, you may lean over and whisper them but do not lean too far into me. Whisper loudly as my ears are not what they used to be. I will pass them on after I have censored them as I deem appropriate.
Choose the songs you play for her carefully. Any songs with the word love is to be avoided. There will be no loud thumping music raising the temperatures. If you play rap, I will rap you. Songs of worship is preferable. Sesame Street is better.
Do not in any way attempt to communicate with my daughter through email, sms, msn, facebook or otherwise. If you wish to say something to my daughter , write the old fashioned way and mail it to my neighbor who may pass it on to me when we exchange pleasantries.
I am tech savvy. If I find any love notes you leave behind, I shall staple them to your dense forehead so that it is easier for me to read with my reading glasses.
If you are wondering whether you would be allowed to stay over, you are a moron and dumber than you look. And if God forbid, that happens, you will have to wake me if you need to go to the bathroom because your legs will be tied to mine. I have to go 4 or 5 times during the night because I have a bladder of a baby squirrel. I suggest you time your having to go to the bathroom during these slots as i don’t take kindly to being woken up.
The thought of you being anyway near my little girl is making me twitch and my teeth grinding has started again. I know it is fashionable these days for boys to be metro sexual and cry at sad movies. If you make her unhappy, I will make you cry like a little girl constantly, movies or no movies.
Since my daughter has chosen you, you will continue to date her until the scales fall from her eyes and she is weaned off morons. This process should not take long.
From what little I have seen thus far, and I mean this in the nicest, fairest, most humane way possible, you look as interesting as a bowl of boiled turnip and as intelligent as overnight sushi.
He will do his best to prevent you from marrying his daughter
He has met you so understandably he has concerns.
You look feeble so he will think of ways and means to stop you from pursuing his daughter.
There will be forms to fill:
PART I – THE APPLICATION
* Permission to Date My Daughter ** – by The Wolf
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be deemed incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement (issued by Lehman Brothers and audited by Arthur Andersen), school history, job history, ancestral lineage, a current medical report and drug test results from your doctor, passport photographs in triplicate (without motorcycle helmet please) and three glowing references from your Priest, Opposition Grassroots Leader and Primary School Teacher (Chemistry only).
A non-refundable processing fee of $188 (cash only) must also be included.
DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER __________________
HOME ADDRESS _________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ___________
HEIGHT (WITHOUT THE MOTORCYCLE HELMET) _____________
HAIR COLOR & LENGTH (THIS MONTH) ___________(PERMED? WHAT COLOR ?)
IQ _________ (INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT, DUH)
Please answer Truthfully
Do you believe that it is ok to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?
Yes _____ No ______
Do you have an earring (which side? PS : Left is right and right is wrong get it moron ? ), nose ring, belly button ring, nipple ring, tongue stud or tattoo?
Yes _____ (attach photo) No _______
If you answered YES to any of the above questions, DISCONTINUE application and leave the premises immediately (and take your motorcycle helmet with you, punk).
In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does the VIRTUE OF ABSTINENCE mean to you?
Church you attend and name of parish priest _______________________________
Number of bible classes attended ________________________
Why so few? Explain ____________________
Have you ever been an altar boy? ________________
What about water boy ?
Why not? __________________
What was the reason your last girlfriend dumped you? _______________________
No, Really ____________________________
Loser is too generic. Give exact details of what she said
Did you play any sissy games other than rugby ? Why?
When would be the best time to interview:
Your Parents ___:___ AM/PM
Previous Girlfriend ___:___ AM/PM
Her Parents ___:___ AM/PM
Priest ___:___ AM/PM
Parole Officer ___:___ AMlPM
Answer the following by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: A woman’s place is in the ______________________________
B: When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her ____________________________________________
C: I like my woman to be dressed sexily because ________________________________________________
D: I admire Harvey Weinstein because _________________________________________________
Pick one answer. Write the answer neatly in the blank column provided next to the questions or you may circle the answer you want with your crayons if doodling and drawing circles are more your forte.
F: I am attracted to the following _________________________________________
A: Twerking generally
B: Britney Spears post JT
C: The entire Pussycat Dolls
D: Huge anything
E: Oprah Winfrey
G: What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
A: A Trump Supporter
B: A Nintendo Salesman
C: A McDonalds Senior Assistant Acting supervisor D: A left handed pole dancer with PTSD
E: Lawyer (Ha Ha Ha , just kidding)
H: Do you aspire to be _____________________________________
C: Victoria Secrets supermodel
D: Married to a princess
E: A doctor (Ha Ha Ha, last one I promise)
I: Have you ever: ___________________________________________________
A: Dabbled in the occult
B: Picked your nose in public (repeatedly even though you KNOW someone is watching)
C: Worn you mother’s nightdress and your sister’s braces
D: Entered chat-rooms masquerading as a lonely widowed god-loving Ferrari-driving millionaire pining for his late wife but looking for a mother for his angelic 2 year old who means the world to him (you swine)
E: Supported Chelsea openly (you fool)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE (WHATEVER LITTLE THERE IS) UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, CASTRATION (WITHOUT ANAESTHETIC) AND DEPRIVATION OF NINTENDO WII TIME.
Signature (that means sign your name, Einstein)
PS: I suggest thumbprint if the above stresses you unduly
Thank you very much for your interest in my daughter.
Please allow a couple of years for processing. Please do not try to call or write (assuming you can write, which we are ever hopeful) while waiting for processing.
If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. We will then schedule a pre-date meeting with my daughter, myself , your rugby coaches, all my friends (who have watched her grow up), my church elders and parish priest, her uncle (but only if his parole officer agrees to release him from maximum security prison on that day), her ex-boyfriends (who mean well and you should listen to them).
On the evening of the date, please arrive at least 30 minutes early so that your urine sample may be taken, and final adjustments may be made to the web-cam which will be stapled to your head.
Don’t worry too much about your dressing. We will have clothes prepared for you which you will change into. They are snug and will have no zips or buttons (a revolutionary breakthrough from Japan where you are vacuum sucked into the clothes and they can be removed only by a bar code or a pair of industrial shears)
If your application is rejected, you are free to live life peacefully despite your rash and moronic act of bravado.
Well, at least until August 2020 when her uncle gets released (your photograph will have been sent to him and pasted on the blood smeared wall of his cell).
All decisions are final but you may reapply in 50 years.
Approved ________ Rejected ________ Kill Him _________
His Daughter picks you
If his daughter picks you, the Father in Law will continue his threats for a while, although secretly he wants to bond with you.
FIL: She is the only baby daughter I have and if you hurt her in any way I will cut you in so many ways you will feel like sushi.
You understand me punk ?
You : Err yes I love her as much as you too sir.
FIL: Ok. You want a beer Randy ?
You : Err no thanks sir. And it’s Bernard actually.
He becomes your staunchest supporter
Time has past.
The threats have lessened.
You have given him normal grandchildren and he is relieved because he was expecting the worst.
He now sees in you a kindred spirit.
He may not remember your name but he likes you now and wants to help you.
FIL: Hello Jim, it’s your father in law.
You: oh hello daddy…… err it’s Bernard actually.
FIL: There may be some trouble. My darling daughter just barged into my house looking angry …………..
You : Errrrrr ….. yes we had a little argument and she stormed out ………
FIL: Not looking good Phil. My wife has started making calls and I can see her relatives and friends arriving.
Some are in big hats and pearls.
Oh and I see her aunt Vera – she’s a nasty old hag that one.
You : Errrr ….. it’s Bernard.
FIL: Things look grim my boy. My wife is putting on that robe she always wears when she’s going to diss you ………………….
You : Ummm………….
FIL: oh and I see lighter fluid and your favourite red Liverpool jersey ……oh they’re going to burn it ……. you better get over here fast
You : oh ok let me put the twins to bed and I’ll leave as soon as I can …..
FIL: I’ll stop them. They may have burned my Liverpool jersey a long time ago but I’ll stop them from burning yours…….. you”ll never run alone Roger…….. come quick we’ll stop them then we’ll have a few whiskies ……..
You: Ummmm it’s Bernard and I’ll try …………………
FIL: I’ve got your back son don’t you worry. I’ve taken off all my clothes buck naked and I’m painting my face – I’ll go out and stop the old hags if it’s the last thing I do ………..
You: Errr no no dad, I’m coming soon ……….
FIL ……….. courage my son ……….. they may take our lives, but they’ll never take……….OUR FREEDOOMMM……….
You: Errrr Dad, no……..no……wait……….
FIL: …………… aiyeeeeeeeeree……..…….