Women really are the stronger sex.
No doubt many of you will have long suspected this is the case, and now you have fresh scientific findings to back up your suspicions.
A recent academic study has shown that under extreme conditions such as famines, epidemics and enslavement, women are able to survive for longer than men.
Across modern populations, women outlive men in almost all instances, with life expectancy for English women being 83.1 years, compared to 79.5 years for men (the figure for Scotland is 81.2 years for women and 77.1 years for men).
The researchers found that, in all the populations, women had lower mortality across almost all ages, and with one exception, women lived longer on average than men.
Think Amazon women, the Celtics, the Masuos in China near Tibet, Minangkabau society in Indonesia, the Hopi Native American in Arizona, Umoja in Kenya, spotted hyenas and Lions, Cantonese households – these are all examples of matrifocal societies where the women reign supreme.
But this idea that women can dominate men is still a taboo subject. Men are uncomfortable and upset when told they are subservient to their significant other.
“Bro why do you have to write about shit like that?? Are you talking about me?
Be careful otherwise I will hantum you the next time I see you.
What ? When will that be ?
Wait – let me ask my wife.”
Am I henpecked ?
Being henpecked means being in a state where there is an express or latent but near complete subjugation of will, being browbeaten (or occasionally beaten) and totally intimidated by the significant other.
It means being paralysed in decision making and a total lack of free will.
It’s when the mere mention of SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED makes your gonads retract upwards 3 inches into your abdomen, pressing on your prostate so that you feel like you need to pee.
In the Early Years
It all starts the same way.
Every man thinks he is a little more macho than the next man. When asked to describe himself:
” I would say I’m kind of a guy’s kind of guy – play rugby, drink beer, I have a vile vile temper, don’t light my fuse.
Weaknesses ? People say (who said ? Your mother ?) I’m a little too alpha, can be too controlling, too much of my own man, knows little fear. I need to learn to let go and let people make their mistakes………”
This is when he was not married. And …………you know………. stupid.
Give him time.
He will have no idea what is going to hit him.
Seasoned Veteran: Ok boys so our wives are making a girl’s trip to Bali. What say we bring all our kids to Adam’s house, pay our helpers $50 to look after the kids and $1500 to keep quiet, and we organise a golf game…”
Newbie: What? Why do you have to do that? Can’t we just tell our wives we want to play golf? They will understand.
Another seasoned veteran : Who is this ? Is he a moron ? Is he a mole ?!!
Extremely seasoned veteran: He is possessed ?!!
Seasoned Veteran: He just got married early July.
Another seasoned veteran : Oh Haha poor bastard…….
Extremely seasoned veteran : Hahaha. OMG. Hee Hee Hee.
5 Years later
You: Bro shall we all go to your place to watch the All Blacks v Wales game ?
Mate: umm let me check my TV…….
You: Your TV ? …… what’s wrong with your TV ?
Mate: umm gotta check the tuning ………..
You: We can potluck for dinner or just eat something you guys prepare ………
Mate : ummm not sure if the stove is functioning well ……….
You : you look troubled ………….. you’re petrified.
You: umm shall I just liaise with Tricia on this ?
Mate: Please. Thank you.
Seasoned Veteran: Boys, spa day for our wives. What shall we do ?
Seasoned Veteran: Kids with me I’m out.
Seasoned Veteran: Cleaning storeroom. That’s why – I’m out.
Seasoned Veteran: She tracks my handphone through GPS. I’m out.
Seasoned Veteran: She will ask me. And I’m incapable of lying. I’m out.
Seasoned Veteran: I’m just scared. I’m out.
How it all started
These things takes time.
The manipulation of the poor sod usually takes place at a very early stage of the marriage. It is usually subtle, a play on emotions and a cruel play on men’s propensity to play the knight in shining amour.
It is a slow chipping until the man totally surrenders his free will.
Only then will the aggression and intimidation starts.
Wife: What shall we do this weekend sweetie ?
You: The boys have asked me for a golf game. We are going into JB to play and likely to come back only after dinner.
Wife: I see. (Cue threatening music. Release the frosty smoke)
You: maybe you can hang out with your sister darling ?
Wife: don’t worry about me. I’ll just stay home to clean OUR house (for now) and scrub until my fingers bleed.
You : what ?
Wife: or maybe I’ll catch up with Robbie for afternoon tea.
You : Robbie your ex boyfriend?😳
Wife: Go and play. We can just lead two separate lives. When you travel, I have to learn to be by myself any way and see other people.
You: What? Err I don’t have to go ……… it’s just that the boys asked me and I thought it will be ok so I said yes.
Wife : Did you ask me ?
You: Err no …………
Wife: So go.
You : no no I don’t have to go ……
Wife: Go. You know you want to. You already said yes without asking me.
You : No no sweetheart. I wasn’t thinking ………..I’m not the sharpest knife on the block ………. I’m selfish and uncaring …….I speak with a stutter…….I have a small …………
Wife: What about your friends …… they’re more important.
You : no no ! They’re loitering arseholes. I’m not going and that’s my final decision!!
Wife: Anything you want Honey. Love you.
And so it begins.
10 years later.
You: Hey Honey
Wife : Yes dear
You: I was thinking if we have no plans 3 Saturdays from now maybe I could have the boys over ……….
Wife : ……………..
You: But we don’t have to, they can play poker anywhere ……………..
You: I don’t even like Poker so actually why am I asking them over …………………
You: I wasn’t thinking …………….
You: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Wife: Love you.
You: Hey honey I was thinking …..
You: Ok. Love you.
Wife: Like you back.
The control is sublime.
The Fear is real.
A blissful state of being
Many of you are reading this blog and laughing. You are thinking poor bastards – are there really guys out there like that ?
Your surrender has been so utterly complete that you don’t realise you are severely henpecked and that you are in that blissful state.
That’s because you have attained the highest state – the blissful and unconscious state of being.
You have been liberated.
That means you don’t realise you are henpecked and more importantly, you are happily henpecked.
You are gonads free but absolutely loving it.
This photo is a classic and entitled Father and son being reprimanded by the Black Mamba for looking at random hot woman passing.
You can no longer do this (look at random hot women) but you are happy not to do so because you find other women repulsive.
You are henpecked but happily and blissfully so – in a nirvana state of testosterous gonadous nada delirium
So bro it’s your birthday soon. The boys and I were thinking of bringing you for a golf game followed by some good food and whiskies and cigars late into the night.
What do you think ?
If you like the idea, blink twice and I’ll speak to Tricia to get you a hall pass.