The male angler fish has been described as ” a mere appendage” or “nothing but a pair of gonads”. This accurately describes most husbands (although many of you try hard to hide it).
To those of you who are alpha male and are currently puffing up your teeny little chest with 3 chest hairs in outrage and indignation, chill and listen.
This scholarly article may well save your marriage.
First let’s get technical.
The male angler fish is 40 times smaller than the female angler fish. Ok I’ve heard of guys who like some extra booty but this is ridiculous.
Ok men, let’s all watch this informative short lesson on U tube to put us in our rightful place.
You may hold hands and after that, we will all eat ice cream together:
That’s just stupid you say.
Really? Mr “Balls in her custody”?
Female animals that kills the male
In the majority of cases, a female spider kills and eats a male before, during, or after copulation.
Female praying mantises often kill their mates, especially if they’re hungry.
So the next time your wife seem to be caressing and feeling your biceps after coitus, she’s hungry.
Do not lie there like a dumb ass and flex. Get your ass out of there and go buy supper if you have some brain cells at all.
Octopuses do the darndest things. Like kill their mate during mating —by strangling him with three arms, according to new observations from the wild.
Scientists have found that for male octopuses, mating can be a dangerous game. Especially when your lady has long limbs.
Proud your partner is leggy ? Think again.
Antichenus is a randy marsupial found in Australia
After days and days of marathon sex, the males develop sores, lose their hair, and even go blind. Eventually, skyrocketing stress hormones burn out their immune systems, and their bodies give out completely.
Hermaphrodite land snails have both male and female organs and will eject a dart like structure into its mates head.
Some species, scientists discovered, jab their mates over and over with their dart, with one stabbing its mate more than 3,000 times on average.
I think the super alpha high functioning males are the only ones who understand this concept and puts their partner on a pedestal.
I have personally known many ultra alpha males holding powerful positions and captains of industry who have absolute contempt for anyone else.
Almost in every case, the only equal they have on this earth, the one they fear or have absolute regard for, is their spouse and partner.
Hmm, maybe they were the only ones who received the memo.
For the rest of us, let’s start with a few rules of survival.
The cardinal rules for a long blissful marriage
1. The Period
Some men are just dumb. They may live their whole life with a woman and still not understand this cardinal rule.
When she has her period, she turns into Attila the Hun. This is no time for flippant jokes or snarky repartees. You will have to hunker down during those 3 days or so.
Do NOT ask “are you having your period” with a snigger at any time when she snaps at you. If you happen to be right, you will be dead. If you are wrong, she will remember it when she does get her period.
If you try to be creative and plan a 3 day golf trip the moment you realise she has her period, then you’re dumber than a lump of coal.
She will let the resentment fester and build up for a month until her next period and then slow castrate you with a blunt unwashed spoon.
2. Matters of weight
Do not let down your guard ever when it comes to a matter of weight. Be vigilant even when you are drowsy and about to fall off to sleep because that’s when she will strike and ask you:
“Darling, do you think I’ve put on a little weight ?”
Never, ever, on your mother’s life, ever ever get tempted in a moment of coziness and sharing, to attempt to be honest and say yes.
You only die once.
The only answer to that question is an emphatic:
“Noooo, love of my life! Why do you ask ?”
Followed by a severely pained look on your face:
“ you look perfect to me like the day I met you. Why do you doubt that?”
“I love every delicate piece of you. Don’t deprive me of even a single bit.”
Now you can go and play golf.
I have a mate who is so dumb as to casually suggest to his wife that she should go on the same intermittent fasting diet he is on, and also should go to the gym.
WHILE SHE WAS HAVING HER PERIOD 🙁😳🙁😳.
(this is a true story. He’s still alive but people are rushing back from Tokyo rugby World Cup to say their goodbyes).
I now have it locked into my iPhone calendar an alert on a yearly basis to remind him what a dumb “f*#*” he is.
Because she told me the exact date and time he said it !
I am now raising funds amongst our group of friends to have enough money to bring him overseas to have that date and time tattooed on his forehead.
He is still doing the fasting and cycling and marvelling at his weight loss.
And passing on helpful tips to his significant other.
3. What should I wear
Ok first understand this.
Your wife thinks you’re a moron and has the couture sense of a dirty Hobo.
So why ask your opinion when she goes through trying 17 outfits, when both of you are late and rushing out for your mother’s 60th birthday party ?
It’s a process. Don’t fight it.
What you say won’t matter and you WILL be blamed.
Just be highly supportive and be pleasantly vague . Do Not commit or take definite positions.
“How’s this ?”
” Very nice.”
” I don’t like it. You’re a moron “
“How does this fit?”
” Errr, fits well?”
” This is an A line skirt! Are you saying I’m Fat??!!! How dare you !! Who do you think slaves day to say cooking and cleaning and………”
“What about this ?”
“Errr you look nice in most things and it’s really nice if you like it ?” But no 15 outfit was nice too……”
” Oh. (Icy silence as she slowly changes another outfit). So you don’t give a shit what I wear anymore – are you having an affair ??!!!”
” what ? No no I’m just trying to be supportive and ……”
“I’m taking the kids and going to my mother’s”
4. You need to focus
She is going to talk to you.
You need to listen. And you need to focus.
Yes you think you have perfected that glassy eyed goldfish stare and looking intensely interested.
And you let your mind wonder.
“ And you know I was having tea with May , you know May right ? Candice’s classmate’s Mom…..”
” we ordered the passion fruit tea and …….”
You : “yes yes”
” and I told her wow your skin is so smooth. She uses SK II and it removes the oil from her ……”
You : ummm (oil – wait when’s the last time I changed my engine oil ? Let’s see last service I did a complete overhaul. That was November… I changed my brakes, timing belt…)
” and she was telling me that she started going for pilates….”
You: yes yes (damn it – did I change the oil or not ? )
” … I might go for the same pilates class on Thursday ….. but so tired ……. so do you think I’ve put on some weight ?”
You : yes u huh …..
“WHAT !!!! Who do you think look after the kids when you go gallivanting playing golf !!!!!!”
I’m taking the kids and going to my mother’s. You can go and play your precious golf ….”
5. Read the danger signs
You are dim because your are male.
Your mates will tell you when they are upset.
Mate: I’m upset.
You : Roger that.
Mate: F*@% You.
Mate: pass me a beer
And you expect you wife to tell you if she is upset.
Because you are a dimwit moron.
She expects you to know when she is upset and WHY she is upset.
“Aren’t you cooking dinner?”
“Oh is that why you married me ? So that you can order your meals when you feel like it ?? Am I deliveroo?” Wait I’ll put on my helmet……”
“Errr no we can eat out. What’s the matter babe ?”
That Killer Word. That’s the danger signal. Winter is coming.
3 weeks of frostiness later.
“I want to talk to you”
“Errr ok “
“You remember 3 weeks ago when I got upset and you didn’t bother knowing why??”
” That’s because I had a dream the night before. And in my dream you were flirting with this girl …..”
“What ? “
” And I told you last year after that dream I had that I no longer want to see you talking to that girl again in my dream …….”
“Wait !!!! I did change my engine oil ……..”
Watch our for words like “Nothing”, “Anything “, “whatever makes you happy”, “sure”, “if you like”, “my children”, “do you love me…… followed by THEN WHY ….”
7. Boys Night Out
You’re really a moron aren’t you ?
8. Should you listen to your wife or your mother ?
You should listen to your mother because you arrived in this world through her loins.
You should listen to your wife if you want to arrive through her loins ever again.
Ok stay calm, you need to find an equilibrium. Listen to both sides and in a gentle voice ………….
Ok forget it.
If you’re in that situation, there’s a monastery in Henan Province I can bring you to.
You can become vegetarian, and live peacefully for the rest of your days.
I wish you well
I offer the above advice with the greatest love and concern for my brothers out there whom, I suspect, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, are morons and are hardly evolved apes like me.
And just so you know, you are taking advice from someone who is eminently qualified.