“For those about to ruck, we salute you.”
Do you feel left out watching the World Cup Rugby 2019 seeing a bunch of burly men throw a ball backwards and not understanding a damn thing what is going on?
Fear No more.
There’s nothing complex about rugby.
The Pack – 8 fat men
The starting point of a rugby team is that they will hunt around for a bunch of fat men.
These men need not be friends as what they are going to do together is not that complex, as will be explained later.
They are usually not the brightest, can only count from 1-7, and regularly engage in drinking beer and brawling, on and off the pitch.
The Hooker and The Props (Front Row)
The two fastest, I mean fattest men on the field stands in the front of the Pack, hence they are called the Front Row. They wear No 1 and 3.
The props are usually the most unattractive men on the field, severely obese, chipped teeth, one good eye only – the Unloved.
Props will always, always have men boobs.
The effeminate guy in the centre of the 2 of them (wearing No 2 duh) is called the Hooker.
He is usually smaller and more delicate, and must be willing to indulge in threesomes.
The Locks (2nd Row)
There will be 2 guys who kneel directly behind the two props. They are called the 2nd row or Locks and wear no 4 and 5.
Here’s a fun fact – the Lock will put his forearm directly below the bottom of the prop and in between his legs, so that the prop’s bottom and family jewels sits on his forearm (i swear I’m not making this up).
Yes it’s nauseating but there’s more.
What the Lock does then is with his forearm in between the Props legs, the Lock then grabs the front and top of the props shorts.
That is uncomfortable enough.
But generations of Locks have taught rookie Locks that they should cup or grip the Props’ family jewels instead.
This is like a time honoured traditional inside joke for everyone in the pack to laugh at, much like very low level farting or booger jokes.
It is meant to secure a laugh or two but it has been severely frowned upon in recent times on account of some props and locks forming unnaturally close relationships.
Flankers (also sometimes called wankers)
These are the two guys hanging at the sides of the pack in a comical way. They are No 6 and 7.
It is not clear what their function is and whether they are coming or going away from the Pack.
They haven’t made up their minds.
Some people say that if you are uncommitted whether you want to be in the pack or contemplating joining the glamorous back line, you can temporarily become a flanker.
If you wonder why they are on either side of the pack at a funny 45 degree angle, there is nothing technical about it.
They are trying to stay upwind because the stench of the pack is terrible.
He is the leader of the pack.
He is usually bigger.
He doesn’t necessarily have better skills but he can count beyond 7.
That is why he is called No 8.
The Game Starts
So the game starts by 8 fat men on both sides basically pushing round an odd shaped ball infinitely smaller than them.
It is quite a disgusting spectacle to see their oily flappy folds contacting each other when they come together to push and shove, with a great deal of whinging, whining, snorting and sometimes farting in this process.
You, the viewer, will often not see the ball which, quite often, is in the folds of one of these 16 fat men.
At some point, when the fat men gets tired (about 2.5 minutes from kick off), the idea is for one of them to flop down in exhaustion and everyone will follow, piling one on top of each other.
Viewer discretion is advised, as the sight can be mentally disturbing and later on in life, may produce PTSD.
The fat man at the bottom of this disgusting meat rubble will be crying. Most of them are adjusting their underwear, you can hear the squish of fats intermingling and everything is an oily mess .
The Scrum Half – No 9
This guy is in no men’s land. He is the one who is supposed to connect the Packs and the Backs.
He is ostracised by the team, neither here nor there. He is usually small and wiry, bald or with a crew cut, very jittery and has ADHD.
His responsibilities are that when the 16 fat men flops down together, he needs to go into the meat rubble to retrieve the ball.
Because it’s disgusting to reach in, push aside folds to retrieve an oily ball, you while often see the Scrum Half not retrieving but protesting with his arms up to the referee that the ball is not coming out,and suggesting to the referee to have a look.
Rather than brave the waft of rancid smells, referee will blow the whistle for an infringement.
Then the fat men have to get up and redo everything all over again.
That’s why the No 9 is very much ostracised and hated by his team mates.
They are known collectively as “The Flower Boys” or ” The Dandies”.
Their names are Daisy, Beatrice, Anastasia, Emma, Seraphina and Colleen.
How do you tell a Back from a Forward?
The Backs are all standing in a pretty row during the whole game.
All their jerseys are neatly tucked in, and if you are alert, you will see them passing a hairbrush up and down to each other to tease their coiffed hair.
They love to pose for selfies and wave to their girl friends in the stands.
God forbid if you expect them to help out.
The Line Out
Once in a while the ball goes out.
When this happens, the referee gets them to line up in two pretty lines. Someone throws in the ball and the two sides fight for the ball. It’s as simple as that.
You might see the players shouting some secret codes then the players will shuffle up and down in an intense meaningful way before someone jumps.
Don’t be fooled, none of the lazy buggers want to jump and they are playing musical chairs.
The loser has to jump.
From time to time, the referee will blow the whistle to stop the game for a scrum.
No one really understands why he is calling for a scrum and he will usually make some mysterious hand signals and mutter some learned phrases like “ball lost forward, No 6 knock on, lost forward, Ibbizit, gooma, blah blah blah”
The scrum is a devious scheme for the referee to take a breather and drink some water.
The Tries and Celebration
Should one of the fat men holding the ball fall over the try line and lies down in exhaustion, it’s called a try.
More likely, one of the flower boys who has done nothing but look pretty throughout the whole game, will linger near the try line and ask for the ball in a girly voice.
He will then try stylishly, diving over the line with his eyes closed and his hair still coiffed and perfect.
Then the celebration starts.
There will be lots of manly hugs and whooping. This is permitted but there is some etiquette to this.
1. There can be joyful manful exuberance and hugging is permitted. But at all times only the upper body will contact upper body.
2. Manly hugging can only last for no more than 6 seconds.
3. Should there be accidental contact and brushing of the nether regions, the following rules shall immediately apply:
A. Disengage illegal contact below waist immediately. Do not linger even if you wanted to find out whether you can get aroused and perhaps may want to cross to the dark side. There is a time and place for everything.
When you turn 40, you will get tested for colorectal cancer and have a finger inserted. You will know at that time.
B. Do not make eye contact with your contacter. Look away and in fact do not make eye contact with him again for the rest of the year. Shower separately.
C. Act nonchalant. Do not tell anyone about this under any circumstances.
Each half is played for 40 minutes.
At the end of the two 40 minutes half, the whistle will blow and they will declare All blacks the winner, no matter who is playing.