HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE IN VIETNAM – Have a good meal then cross the road

CROSSING THE ROAD IN VIETNAM

One day if I die in my travels, it will be in Vietnam being hit by seven motorcycles while trying to cross the road.

So you’ve decided, like the chicken, that you need to get to the other side.

In Vietnam.

Well, first, you want to go for a good last meal.

THE BEST BAHN MI AND PHO IN SAIGON

Arguably one of the best if not the best Banh Mi and Pho in Ho Chi Minh

1. Banh Mi Huynh Hoa (Bánh Mì Huỳnh Hoa) (lesbian banh mi)

Address: 26 Lê Thị Riêng, Bến Thành, 1, Hồ Chí Minh, Vietnam

Open hours: 230 pm – 11pm daily

2. Pho Hoa Pasteur

260C Pasteur, phườNg 8, Quận 3, Hồ Chí Minh

(Ward 8 District 3)

6am-12am

Address: 26 Lê Thị Riêng, Bến Thành, 1, Hồ Chí Minh, Vietnam

Open hours: 230 pm – 11pm daily

Tips to crossing the road in Vietnam:

1. Find a zebra crossing (the crossing means nothing except that when you are prone and bleeding , the stripes on the road might make you more visible.

2. Make the sign of the cross and step on to the road.

3. The 17 million bikes coming at you will not lessen (I observed for 15 mins) so there is no point waiting.

4. Be very aware that while 17 million bikes are coming at you from the left because it is a one way road, motor bikes will also come in the opposite direction because the riders have changed their minds and want to go in the opposite direction.

5. You are fervently looking in both directions of the road but be aware that motorbikes will also be riding up on the pavement. It is your responsibility to avoid them.

6. The above is a pic of the traffic about to mow you down. Stay calm. It’s ok as long as they don’t spot you trying to cross the road.

7. If they see you, they will get into attack formation to try to kill you.

8. Step gingerly on to the road using a slow steady space . Go on a 1-2-3 count evenly. Do not slow down or stop or you WILL be hit.

9. Walk in a slow steady space and HOPEFULLY the motor bikes might avoid you.

10. Do not slow down for stupid reasons like the bikes grazing you or their side mirrors hitting your nether regions. If there is no blood, it is not counted.

11. To be safe (although there is no such thing) flap both your arms up and down like a chicken and Bob your head up and down if you can. Motor bikers might stop to laugh so the collision into you might hopefully be at lower speeds.

10. If you are hit, wail loudly and do not wipe off the blood so that the next 10 bikes will not hit you again.

If you survive, I’ll be waiting for you on the other side to go for another good pho or banh mi.

I’ve never tried the shops on the opposite side of the road just to stay safe.

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