PART I – THE APPLICATION
* Permission to Date My Daughter ** – by The Wolf
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION
TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be deemed incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement (issued by Lehman Brothers and audited by Arthur Andersen), school history, job history, ancestral lineage, a current medical report and drug test results from your doctor, passport photographs in triplicate (without motorcycle helmet please) and three glowing references from your Priest, Opposition Grassroots Leader and Primary School Teacher (Chemistry only).
A non-refundable processing fee of $188 (cash only) must also be included.
DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER __________________
HOME ADDRESS _________________________
DATE OF BIRTH ___________
HEIGHT (WITHOUT THE MOTORCYCLE HELMET) _____________
HAIR COLOR & LENGTH (THIS MONTH) ___________(PERMED? WHAT COLOR ?)
IQ _________ (INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT, DUH)
Please answer Truthfully
Do you believe that it is ok to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?
Yes _____ No ______
Do you have an earring (which side? PS : Left is right and right is wrong get it moron ? ), nose ring, belly button ring, nipple ring, tongue stud or tattoo?
Yes _____ (attach photo) No _______
If you answered YES to any of the above questions, DISCONTINUE application and leave the premises immediately (and take your motorcycle helmet with you, punk).
In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does the VIRTUE OF ABSTINENCE mean to you?
Church you attend and name of parish priest _______________________________
Number of bible classes attended ________________________
Why so few? Explain ____________________
Have you ever been an altar boy? ________________
What about water boy ?
Why not? __________________
What was the reason your last girlfriend dumped you? _______________________
No, Really ____________________________
Loser is too generic. Give exact details of what she said
Did you play any sissy games other than rugby ? Why?
When would be the best time to interview:
Your Parents ___:___ AM/PM
Previous Girlfriend ___:___ AM/PM
Her Parents ___:___ AM/PM
Priest ___:___ AM/PM
Parole Officer ___:___ AMlPM
Answer the following by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: A woman’s place is in the ______________________________
B: When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her ____________________________________________
C: I like my woman to be dressed sexily because ________________________________________________
D: I admire Harvey Weinstein because _________________________________________________
Pick one answer. Write the answer neatly in the blank column provided next to the questions or you may circle the answer you want with your crayons if doodling and drawing circles are more your forte.
F: I am attracted to the following _________________________________________
A: Twerking generally
B: Britney Spears post JT
C: The entire Pussycat Dolls
D: Huge anything
E: Oprah Winfrey
G: What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
A: A Trump Supporter
B: A Nintendo Salesman
C: A McDonalds Senior Assistant Acting Supervisor (day shift only) D: A left handed pole dancer with PTSD
E: Lawyer (Ha Ha Ha , just kidding)
H: Do you aspire to be ________________________________________________
C: Victoria Secrets supermodel
D: Married to a princess
E: A doctor (Ha Ha Ha, last one I promise)
I: Have you ever: ___________________________________________________
A: Dabbled in the occult
B: Picked your nose in public (repeatedly even though you KNOW someone is watching)
C: Worn you mother’s nightdress and your sister’s braces
D: Entered chat-rooms masquerading as a lonely widowed god-loving Ferrari-driving millionaire pining for his late wife but looking for a mother for his angelic 2 year old who means the world to him (you swine)
E: Supported Chelsea openly (you fool)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE (WHATEVER LITTLE THERE IS) UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, CASTRATION (WITHOUT ANAESTHETIC) AND DEPRIVATION OF NINTENDO WII TIME.
Signature (that means sign your name, Einstein)
PS: I suggest thumbprint if the above stresses you unduly
Thank you very much for your interest in my daughter.
Please allow a couple of years for processing. Please do not try to call or write (assuming you can write, which we are ever hopeful) while waiting for processing.
If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. We will then schedule a pre-date meeting with my daughter, myself , your rugby coaches, all my friends (who have watched her grow up), my church elders and parish priest, her uncle (but only if his parole officer agrees to release him from maximum security prison on that day), her ex-boyfriends (who mean well and you should listen to them).
On the evening of the date, please arrive at least 30 minutes early so that your urine sample may be taken, and final adjustments may be made to the web-cam which will be stapled to your head. Don’t worry too much about your dressing. We will have clothes prepared for you which you will change into. They are snug and will have no zips or buttons (a revolutionary breakthrough from Japan where you are vacuum sucked into the clothes and they can be removed only by a predetermined bar code or a pair of industrial shears)
If your application is rejected, you are free to live life peacefully despite your rash and moronic act of bravado. Well, at least until August 2019 when her uncle gets released (your photograph will have been sent to him and pasted on the blood smeared wall of his cell).
All decisions are final but you may reapply in 50 years.
Approved ________ Rejected ________ Kill Him _________