RULES OF DATING MY DAUGHTERS
I published this years ago.
Its time to remind the world.
If you want to date my daughter, come by the house and submit 3 colored photographs, full medical history and the requisite testimonials from your church elders. Then leave. There shall be a cooling off period for my daughter to come to her senses.
If she doesnt, the checks will take some time. Relatives will have to be notified and her uncles will have to be sedated before we allow this to happen. The Uncles are agitated and feeling a little violent in recent times.
There is no need to introduce yourself when you see me. Do not make eye contact. I am not interested in what your parents have, with the best of intentions, named you. I shall call you “Punk”, and you will address me only as “My Lord”.
Do not even think of coming into the house. You shall wait for my daughter in the front porch. If you wish , you may talk to my dog but he is discerning and temperamental. He doesn’t like dim people, treat or no treat. Don’t make him roll over, he gets offended easily.
There is no need to fidget. My daughter takes days to get ready and if you get bored, you may wash my car but if I find a scratch, I will scratch you.
When you walk around with my daughter in public places, keep a respectable distance and keep your hands in clear view at all times. Do not make any sudden moves or allow your hands to accidentally brush against my daughter’s hands.
The balding pot bellied men glaring at you from all angles are my friends. The bulge you see is not because they are happy to see you . They have taken to carrying parangs in their old age. She calls them uncles and they have seen her growing up. If you make a wrong move, they will stop you from growing up.
If you prefer to bring her to a dim theatre for a movie on a first date, that is your choice but choose carefully. This will not go down well with me. But if you must, I prefer mindless comedies and am particularly fond of popcorn, salted not sweet. And if you want to whisper sweet nothings to her during the movie, you may lean over and whisper them but do not lean too far into me. Whisper loudly as my ears are not what they used to be. I will pass them on after I have censored them as I deem appropriate.
Choose the songs you play for her carefully. Any songs with the word love is to be avoided. There will be no loud thumping music raising the temperatures. If you play rap, I will rap you. Songs of worship is preferable. Sesame Street is better.
Do not in any way attempt to communicate with my daughter through email, sms, msn, facebook or otherwise. If you wish to say something to my daughter , write the old fashioned way and mail it to my neighbor who may pass it on to me when we exchange pleasantries.
I am tech savvy. If I find any love notes you leave behind, I shall staple them to your dense forehead so that it is easier for me to read with my reading glasses.
If you are wondering whether you would be allowed to stay over, you are a moron and dumber than you look. And if God forbid, that happens, you will have to wake me if you need to go to the bathroom because your legs will be tied to mine. I have to go 4 or 5 times during the night because I have a bladder of a baby squirrel. I suggest you time your having to go to the bathroom during these slots as i don’t take kindly to being woken up.
The thought of you being anyway near my little girl is making me twitch and my teeth grinding has started again. I know it is fashionable these days for boys to be metro sexual and cry at sad movies. If you make her unhappy, I will make you cry like a little girl constantly, movies or no movies.
Since my daughter has chosen you, you will continue to date her until the scales fall from her eyes and she is weaned off morons. This process should not take long. From what little I have seen thus far , and I mean this in the nicest, fairest, most humane way possible, you look as interesting as a bowl of boiled turnip and as intelligent as overnight sushi.