A REFLECTION OF GAYDAR AND THE PINK CONUNDRUM

AF532F77-59E3-4B89-AE2B-77F81DD3401D.pngSo here I was departing for Bangkok with the kids and I commented to the son that we would go for a foot massage together. And he started the jokes about what if the therapist was a lady boy and man handled him etc . Yes he’s in that space – teenager, growing tall and hunky, plays Rugby for school and into all forms of male hormonal activities – and exhibiting occasional signs of being a douchebag, jock-like and a tad homophobic. But a sweet boy nevertheless.

He made me reflect.

I didn’t blame him too much because I was a trifle worse at his age. I was all sorts of man cave and macho shit and was unreasonably homophobic. Today, I am completely relaxed amongst gay people and actually think most of them are smart, refreshingly intellectual and often incredibly talented – some of the most fun people around . And I have lady friends fortunate enough to have that Best Friend who is gay, they are the most loyal, caring and affectionate friends you could hope to have.

I have been wearing a earring for the last almost 10 years now and I have been asked that question too many times “are you gay ?” – playfully or not I don’t know. If it’s a girl who asks- my standard reply would be “there is only one way to find out”. On the tiresome question am I wearing it on the correct side – my advice is “ just remember – left is right and right is wrong “. I can tell you the earring is the most unreliable sign you could hope to rely on to unravel the mystery.

I started life as an adult homophobic and as tense as a camel’s arse around gay people. But god always has a plan. And a sense of humour. When I met my first girlfriend, she was the artsy sort and guess what ? Her best friend was a gay guy. And I mean flaming. Effeminate as hell. And the three of us spent a lot of time together. Window shopping mainly. And when she goes to the toilet, I would always wonder if I should bring him out for a beer or go buy earrings. The struggle was real.

I had douche bag macho shit friends as bad or worse than me. When we all started having kids we would meet at Christmas while our kids were toddlers and make douche bag comments like “ hey look at your Son, he is twirling away. No- really! Look asshole Im telling you “. When one of them became a father and his wife had been discharged from hospital and they returned back, I drove to his house the next morning and left a video tape of Billy Elliot and a scribbled note in his letterbox telling him to love his 2 day old son nevertheless because I detected a special quality about him . I later coached his Son in rugby so it was a waste of a good tape. He had produced a jock exactly like him.

In adult life , I developed an uncanny and pretty accurate gaydar. If I spend enough time with someone, I start to “sense” them. It’s a bit of everything – I sense that they are special and I don’t get the smell of testosterone, even if they are buff as hell and with a girl. They are usually too articulate, too talented, too sensitive, too intellectual. I think the male hormones dumb all these down. It’s something special, I often describe it as a certain quality – it’s difficult to pin down or describe in words.

When my ex introduced me to her group of childhood friends for the first time about 30 years ago, I told her one of them was gay the first night I met him. She laughed it off, saying she has watched him score with numerous women growing up. And he was fit and buff. But I told her I was dead certain. About 4-5 years after our conversation, he came out. Then I told her he’s not the only one and there was another. I’m still waiting 20 years later but again, I am dead certain. Only time will tell.

When i first came out from the courts (ok I just realised that didn’t quite come out right) into private practice, I was made to share a room with a good looking lawyer . He was articulate, polished, was an officer and a sword winner ( I think) in the army. And within a few days, I knew that he was gay. And the weird thing was at that time, he didn’t even know that himself I think . And he would tell me he had a crush on this bosomy lady partner and he appeared outwardly as hot blooded as any bloke. Ok very few straight man will admit to or use the words “develop a crush” I give you that . And all I could think about was “wait doesn’t he realise he is gay?” I really think he didn’t. About more than 10 years later, he came out and married a guy overseas. So yes, I do think I have a gift.

I end this somewhat aimless drivel as my foot massage is ending soon. If you want me to detect anyone for you, introduce me and let me interact. Do not be idiots and be like my colleagues who called me down one day to the work station of this associate WHEN HE WAS NOT THERE and asked me to sense the aura and tell them if he was gay.

Straight people can be dumb as hell.

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